How many times have I walked through my house, interacted with my girls, gone about my responsibilities, but known something was wrong?
Have you ever felt like that?
I’m here, but I’m just not really here.
My girls play really well by themselves, so it’s not uncommon for me to be working around them while they play some silly game they’ve made up. But there’s still just a difference sometimes.
If I had to rattle off the symptoms they would probably go something like this: my kids aren’t listening to me, I can’t remember what I’m supposed to be doing, when is my husband ever going to get home and save me from this madness, I just want to go somewhere and be by myself…
Now sometimes these feelings are caused by just ordinary, crazy motherhood. I know that. But I think a lot of moms would agree that there are other times when we know something is genuinely wrong.
When I begin to feel like this, and when I’m finally honest with myself, I have to admit: the problem isn’t my kids…
… the problem is me.
A lot of voices “out there” tell moms to just relax. Go do something for yourself… have some me time... Or the Christian version: There’s grace… there’s rest… just remember how much God loves you… He knows what you’re doing is hard…
Those things are true, absolutely, but when I jump to those before really dealing with the issue, nothing is solved, just temporarily passed over.
You see, I’m prone to wander. A converted idol-worshiper.
How quickly I slip from glorying and rejoicing in God to seeking my own pleasure and satisfaction in temporary things, maybe even my kids or domestic accomplishments. And from there it’s just a slippery slope to being discontented and unhappy with everything because loving God has been abandoned.
I try to take these feelings very seriously. As already said, I, by nature was born bent against God. Though His child now and blessed with unspeakable grace and mercy, it’s all too easy to forget.
The only answer is repentance.
I wish I could say that at the moment of realization, I repent immediately, but of course, that’s not always the case. The reason that I’m writing this now is because of two days that have been an absolute struggle. I wish that I had given in sooner.
I don’t think our kids keep us from God as much as we would like to think; they just manifest where we are with God in glaring, vivid color.
When things are turned back right, the day might not look all that different to an onlooker, but the heart will be different, and the mom will know.